Why I Can't Host Parties

It’s my Dad’s 60th birthday and I’m hosting a surprise party.
My sister says she’ll cook if I host. Cool, only I make the wrong assumption that she’ll cook at her house and then come. It’s a major spaghetti dinner with bruschetta and stuffed mushrooms, Caesar salad and garlic bread – all from scratch because that’s the way she does things. (It was spectacular, though, I have to admit.)
“Where’s your mini-chopper?” my sister hollers.
“I don’t have one.” I respond.
“OK, how about a plain ol’ food processor?” She’s getting impatient.
“Don’t have one of those either, or a blender…or a quesadilla maker or a smoothie maker or another other chopper, spinner, or maker.” I try to make a joke.
When I had to tell her just to “grab a steak knife – they’re just as good – ’cause I don’t have an official knife set”, I thought she was going to fly through the roof.
My oven door doesn’t open all the way and the safety lock switch has to be in the lock position or the door won’t shut all the way.
“What’s burning?”, she wants to know.
“Prob’ly the french fries I couldn’t reach after they slid off the tray ’cause I can’t open the door all the way. It’ll be fine, just turn on the exhaust fan.”
“What’s that noise?” she shrieks.
“Depends, is it coming from the exhaust fan area or the freezer/ice maker area? Both of them are temperamental.”
“Where’s your tongs? Noodle spoon? Matching pot holders?”
Uh…at Target?
We have to wash the forks between dinner and dessert because I don’t have enough to go around twice. The beer was warm because one of the kids left the garage fridge open. I had no major centerpiece on the kitchen table and I hadn’t vacuumed my entry way steps. The only gifts my dad received (from my family) were the kids’ home-made cards.
“How do you function? How can you live this way?” she demands.
I think about this. I decide that I function because I (a) am laid back, (b) am authentic, (c) am creative, (d) am flexible, (e) believe in simplicity, (f) have major space constraints, and (g) believe my time is best spent on the most important things in my life.
It works for me.